8 Clear Signs It’s Time to Leave Your Church (and How to Know for Sure)
Leaving a church is never easy. It can be painful, confusing, and often lonely. But sometimes, it’s necessary.
So how do you know when it’s time to go?
After nearly 15 years serving as a pastor, I’ve seen countless people leave for a variety of reasons. Some leave for good reasons, others not so good reasons, and many simply disappear without explanation.
Knowing when to leave—and how to leave well—is one of the hardest decisions you’ll face in your faith.
If you’ve ever wrestled with that question, this post is for you. I’ll walk you through the signs it might be time to move on and how to do it with wisdom and grace.
How To Know When To Leave A Church
So, how do you know when you should leave your church?
As we look through this list I would encourage you before you do anything to pray. This shouldn’t be a decision you make on your own, rather one that you seek God’s wisdom in. You and me, we aren’t as wise as we like to think. We need God’s wisdom when discerning if we should leave our church.
With that in mind, let’s jump in. Here’s 8 signs it might be time to leave your church.
1. The Gospel Isn’t Being Taught
If you are attending a church that is not teaching that salvation is found in Jesus alone, then leave.
Sadly many churches simply aren’t preaching the Gospel. Some center around other things such as money, power, or fame and let those overshadow the Gospel. Others teach heretical teaching that salvation is found apart from Jesus. Either way the Gospel isn’t being taught.
Churches should center around what Jesus has done for us and how we should live in light of what he has done for us.
2. The Church Isn’t Doing Anything For People Outside The Church
Churches should have a balance between growing the spiritual depth of those in the church and loving those outside the church. But what often happens is that balance can become out of whack, and many churches only concern themselves with what’s happening inside the church.
If your church’s sole focus is on those inside the walls, it’s time to change churches. Any church that only focuses on those inside the walls inevitably becomes sick and dies. The church was never meant to be exclusive, but rather inclusive.
This responsibility lies not only on the church but on you as well. The church should be training those inside to go and love those outside. Find a place that puts an emphasis on loving people outside the church.
3. You Haven’t Found Community (But You’ve Tried)
As a pastor I often encounter people who complain about not connecting with the people at church. Sometimes, that’s legitimate, for a variety of reasons they just never connected. But often when I dig a little deeper what I typically find is they haven’t even tried. They never attended any community events, tried a small group, or even put effort into talking with anyone.
Community is a two-way street. It takes effort on both parts. Of course the church has responsibility in this. But you do too, so do your part.
If you’ve tried to find community and haven’t, it might be a sign that it’s time to leave your church.
4. There Is Abuse Of Power In The Church Leadership
Unfortunately it’s not uncommon for the leadership within a church to get consumed in their pursuit of power that they end up abusing the position God has put them in.
There are many heartbreaking stories of spiritual, emotional, and sometimes even physical abuse that have taken place inside churches. If you are in a church that is abusing their power, twisting the Gospel to their benefit, making demands, or using the Bible to hold people down, get out.
Now, there is a difference between making a mistake and abusing power. Every church is full of broken people, and there’s bound to be a few messes. And that includes the leaders. Making a mistake is one thing, a pattern of abuse is another.
If there’s abuse in the church leadership, no accountability for the lead pastor, then it’s time time leave your church.
5. You Don’t Agree With The Vision
Every church has (or should have) a vision. It sets the direction they are going and establishes their unique identity. Their vision is what God has specifically called them to do.
One of the most beautiful parts of the church is when each church understands their unique role. And together each church makes up the body of Christ though each plays a different role.
This means each church will look and feel different and play a different role in the overarching mission of the church. And that’s okay; in fact, that’s a good thing.
But that also means that you won’t fit at every church because each church is different. And let me be clear, these differences aren’t right or wrong, they are just different.
If you don’t agree with the direction your church is going, that’s fine; go find one you can get behind. That’s the beauty of having so many unique churches; each one will make an impact in a different way. Find a church that has a vision that fits the gifts God has given you.
6. You Don’t Trust The Church With Your Money
If you cannot trust the church with your money, you shouldn’t give them your time.
Giving to a church is like making an investment. If you shifted your 401k to a new broker and they wouldn’t tell you where you money was and how it was being invested you would pull it out FAST.
When you give to a church you are making a Kingdom investment. If you regularly give and attend a church you should know how your money is being used, and you should see “returns” on your investment.
When a church has closed books and doesn’t want to share how they are using the tithes and offerings that’s a red flag. Now, in some areas, you don’t need all the details. For example, salaries of all the staff are often lumped into one in the budget. You can see how much in total is being given to salaries but not what an individual makes. But as a whole you should know where the money is going.
If your church isn’t willing to show where the money is going or if you don’t trust the church to use what you give for the benefit of God’s Kingdom, it’s time to consider changing churches.
Curious about what the Bible says about tithing? Check out: Tithing In The New Testament (and should Christians tithe?)
7. Church Politics Have Overtaken The Pursuit Of Jesus
The church is messy because they let people like you and me in the doors. Wherever two or more people gather, the one thing you can guarantee is there will be issues.
Every church has had or will have issues. There’s no such thing as a perfect church. However there are some churches where politics have overtaken everything else. If your church is all about the church politics, drama, or “he said, she said” it might be time to look for a new church.
Typically this happens when a church abandons their God-given mission and becomes more interested individual preferences. It’s a sign that the church is dying.
If church politics have overtaken the pursuit of Jesus in your church it’s time to leave.
8. There’s No Place For You To Use Your Skills/Gifts
God has given you a unique set of skills and passions. You were created on purpose and for a purpose. And one other way you can use these gifts is by serving the church.
Being a Christian isn’t a spectator sport, and going to church isn’t a consumer activity. It requires participation. That means that you should find ways to use your gifts for the benefit of the church and your community.
If your church doesn’t have a place or isn’t willing to let you use your skills, it might be a sign your church doesn’t want you and God is calling you elsewhere.
Wondering what your spiritual gifts are? Check Out: Spiritual Gift Questionnaire
How To Leave A Church Well
The above certainly isn’t an exhaustive list, but hopefully it helped you know when to leave a church. And now I want to shift gears to talk about how to change churches.
When most people leave a church they simply slip out the back door. But I want to encourage you to take a different path. It’s more difficult, but I think it’ll be better for you and the church in the long run.
1. Check Your Motives
Changing churches should never be something you do on a whim. And the first thing we should do is check our heart and our motives.
Why do you want to leave your church? Be honest. Are you leaving for good reasons? Or is there something else going on in your heart?
Sometimes we can deceive ourselves into thinking we are doing the right thing, but in reality we are doing it for selfish reasons. Spend some time checking your motives and asking God for wisdom. Use the above list of signs on how to know when it’s time to leave your church to help you discern if you should.
2. Ask Someone Outside The Church
Get an outside perspective from a godly person you trust. It can be easy to deceive ourselves, so we need the input of others to help us see our blindspots.
Find someone you trust and tell them why you are considering changing churches and what you plan to do. See what they see; it’s likely they will have a unique perspective that will help you.
Really this is a good life principle; we need others in our life to help us navigate where to go and what to do.
3. Tell Someone Inside The Church
I’ve been a pastor for nearly 12 years. There’s been A LOT of people who have left the church I was at in that time. And the vast majority of people leave without ever sayings a word; they simply disappear. And I get it, it’s awkward. But it’s needed.
Have a healthy, respectful, and constructive conversation. Don’t leave without talking to the pastor or the people you were connected with.*
* If you are in an abusive church, just leave. You should not have a conversation with the people abusing their power.
How to tell your pastor you are leaving the church? You be honest. Sugar coating or avoiding the conversation isn’t going to be good for you or them. Be honest and share why you feel it’s best for you to leave.
When you are telling people you are leaving, give them the real reason. It doesn’t help anyone when you don’t tell the full truth. Now you can say it in a respectful way, but still say it.
Again, I know this is difficult. I know it’s hard to speak up about the issues you are facing. But remember the church is the bride of Christ. Treat her respectfully. Be honest.
4. Live With Grace
While I’ve seen many people leave the church without saying a word to my face, I’ve also seen many people go online or to friends and bash the church (or someone in the church). They will never say a word to you, but they have no problem highlighting all the church’s faults publicly.
That’s not helpful or edifying for the church or you.
Remember the church is the bride of Christ; treat her with respect and grace. When you insult your church ultimately you are insulting Christ.
I know you might be frustrated, hurt, and disappointed. You probably have a good reason to feel that way. But I want to challenge you to take the high road. It’s not easy, but it is worth it.
Ask yourself: in 10 years, what will I wish I had done? Really that’s a great question for most aspects of our lives. But when it comes to how to leave a church I think that question will help you do what is best.
5. Find A New Church
The reality is many people get so focused on leaving their church that they never think about finding another one.
If you are leaving your church the top priority should be finding a new church. The reality is the best shot you have of following Jesus is with a few other people in your life.
The Christian life is not meant to be done in isolation. In fact, I would say it’s impossible. Find a place you can plug into and commit to that church.
And remember, you don’t go to church, you are the church. So find a place where you can grow, serve, love, give, and experience the transformation that Jesus has for you.
Closing Thoughts On Changing Churches
So, how do you know when it’s time to leave your church? Consider the things on this list with lots of prayer. Seek God’s wisdom. Ask those around you. Don’t make this decision on a whim or in search of greener pastures.
And if you do end up leaving, consider how to leave a church well. Do what is loving and gracious and not out of malice.
I hope this blog post helped you answer the question, how do you know when you should leave a church? I’d love to hear from you, you can email me here: jeff@rethinknow.org
Looking for some other great resources? Check out:
I noticed that many churches stopped choir and orchestra
This was a place for many people to use their talents to praise God
But now they are left out
Wow! What a great article! I needed this. My husband and I have been attending a very small church not far from us for about 5 yrs, but have strongly considered leaving. (I’m on a sabbatical of sorts now, seeking God and am very sad..) The church began a new pastor about 8 yrs ago after the previous pastor, who was there for about 40 yrs, retired. That previous pastor was very controlling and people were afraid to make any moves in any direction. Well, about maybe, 2 yrs ago I started feeling a void, a loneliness, and began seeking God about it. In that time God began giving me words for our Pastor’s kids (he has 6 kids, stair steps… oldest about college age) and the Pastor & his wife told me I was, each time, on target. Then I believe God gave me a word for our Pastor and his wife. The word was “family” and about knocked me over, which often happens when I have a word for someone. It was, after getting that word, also something that answered some of my own questions… along with some things that I found out from the Pastor’s wife herself. (In a conversation not long ago she said that in the 8 yrs they have been there they have had only about 4 “church people” over to eat with them.) ~ The void, was a feeling that the church was truly not a family. That I would see on FB all the awesome things the pastor and his family would do, but (almost) never include the church, or anyone in it. I even set up meetings with the Pastor, as follow-up to the word I gave them and suggested things they (we) could do to help the church learn to be a family… but nothing. Additionally, the elders seem to have a tight grip on the finances even though there is close to $100,000 in the account. There is more, but this is already long. I am very grieved..
My reason for looking for another church to attend is that the Bible is being mis-taught and the congregation does not really welcome unmarried widowed women in their 80’s. I wouldn’t recommend that any one attend there, unfortunately although it does have a veneer of acceptability. So sad that there are so few Christian churches where I live!
Dear Pastor Jeffery, I left my last church because I felt no deep connection or sense of belonging. I resolved to go to another church and I tried with a couple of churches in my home city, but I found I had no enthusiasm, my heart was no longer in it, and I don’t know why. But I have to say I think I am in crisis socially. I feel this way about nearly all my relationships – friends and family. I have battled for most of my life with depression, so that causes problems and I feel so despondent and discouraged. On Sunday mornings I feel to weary to make the effort to go to a church but I do care about this, I just despair about what to do about it. Please do not be offended but if you say, “seek professional help” I can tell you that I have done that for so many years, and health service waiting lists for mental health therapy are worse than ever. I would be grateful for any advice you might want to give, as long as you do not tell me to go for therapy! God bless, thanks xxx
My family left a church, because of church politics. The new senior pastor wanted a larger parsonage. The congregation was evenly split. The breaking point was at a meeting, the pastor said no one on the parsonage committee would discuss his family’s needs. I called him out, pointing out that the committee chair, my father, had been trying to schedule a meeting and getting stonewalled. No one else questioned the pastor about his, shall we say, lack of honesty. Even though the church kept and renovated the old parsonage, we started church shopping.
Good advice especially about leaving with grace. I disagree about the salaries though. Since they’re paid for by member contributions why should the disaggregated salaries be unknown? Don’t you know how much the President earns from your taxes? So why not? Sadly, too many churches are not immune to corrupt practices, especially where the church is dominated by family members. The love of money. Blessings from the southern tip.
I believe that its time for me to leave my local church. There is a lot of bad teaching mixed with african tradition. Inconsistent teaching, lack of transparency with funds, hypocrisy on the leadership part, control, ect.
I hav been prt of the worship team for over 6 years now. When I joined we were many and now i am left with with one other girl who has no interest of being there. I have asked the senior pastor for vocal training and also for biblical teaching so we don’t approach praise and worship with lack of understanding. Until this day nothing happened although one Sunday he told the whole church that He would personally attend to encourage us (the team is made up of teenagers and young adults) , that was a lie. I was really disturbed about this as the oldest remaining member for the younger members that He would say that for applause and not follow through.
I have had big confrontations with may father (the senior Pastor of this church) about this, about his indifference to the condition of the church and his hypocrisy all it did was cause heartbreak when he always took the sides of his leadership team and rebuked me just to avoid another church split, save face, and please men.
I have no one to confide in here. There is no young peoples group or any youth group. No single ls ministry. On a good Sunday there are 25 people who show up. His excuse is that people are lazy and don’t love God. I say it’s because people are tired of hypocrisy and religion. Tiered of self appointed preachers who take advantage of their members.
There is no spiritual growth in the people. They run to the pastor about anything and everything like he is God because they have deprived of sound teaching and discipleship. This has put a real strain on my family.
I see Him preach one thing and do the other even before we reach the house. I have seen him preach love but accuse my mother of adultery when she wakes at 3 am and come home and 4:30pm every to pay the bills. I have seen them fight, argue, release words out of their mouths that no man, no Christian e say to his wife or husband and Sunday we put on a fake smile and come to church.
I ant to leave because all the things stated are true of my church. My only issue that the leaders are my parents and I currently live with them. He is very controlling and passive aggressive and will try to demonise me for leaving. When I sat him down to tel him a
That after 7 years I want to leave the team he called me names and turned it so I looked like a mentally unstable person. I have wanted to leave since 2018 but stayed because of fear of man. That is the truth but I know without doubt that God is calling me out. I cant disobey God anymore I dk t want to delay things in my life any longer.
I left my childhood church for several reasons. Still looking for a new one. Some of it was circumstances such as living further away and having a class to attend on Sunday for almost 3 years. But more legit reasons were they are/were losing their congregation. Still spending money or asking to spend money like they have the congregation to support that. Their messaging has changed to significantly more social justice warrior style. Which is fine, but I’m not necessarily looking for that in a church. And as I have 1 child with another on the way, I need a church with a healthy children’s program. And my former church is looking pretty thin right now. I am forever grateful for growing up there. So much of who I am came from my experiences there. But its time to move on.
Thanks for this article. The reason why I want to leave my church is because I have not found community. I have not tried though and it’s the kind of church you can attend for years and not create any relationships if you don’t try. I also feel like there is no opportunity there for me to use my gifts/skills to serve which i want to. I’m trusting the Lord for wisdom though. Thanks again for this article.
Another thing I’ve been tithing for years at this church and it seems I’ve been constantly struggling where money is concern, a few months ago I have decided to go to another church and I pay tithes there and to my surprise I can see my way better where money is concern, I wonder what’s the cause.
The reason I thought about leaving is that I do not feel welcome anymore and i dont know what is going on everything is a secret, you’re not seeing the church helping anyone and u arent allowed to ask questions cause you will get a mouth licking from the pastor and wife, if you see something wrong and talk to them about it, they deal with it as though you shouldn’t talk, and they not helping in the community when there is a need to, they always say the church dosent have money.
I have built a few friendships in the church we have attended for 20 years.. however I love to work with the children and youth… I was on the children’s church list and I forgot one Sunday and have apparently been removed… As part of the teaching the children they seem to have meetings periodically and my name to have been skipped over on the texts.. we have an program to record a message to go out to anyone that needs to hear info… I do not find this a coincidence!!! Debating on thinking it’s about time to love on?? This has happened MORE than once and 2 different churches…
How do I leave church after signs of adultery from Ps(toxic character) and member,I’m fearful of curses instead of blessing upon release?
What if you are unjustly mislabeled due to misunderstandings and those who mislabel you don’t know you nor wish to discuss where you offended them? My situation with this is I have been unjustly marginalized by four handfuls of people in the church. Maybe five. This has gone on for a year prior to Covid. Then I have been watching the church’s sermons online.
Months ago I tried apologizing to those I have offended (even though I had no idea where I was offensive) through electronic communications, since I am incapable of attending any in person services due to health concerns and being unavailable for morning sessions. Yet I received no response at all from those I have apologized to. None.
The pastor rarely calls out the negative actions in the congregation. I don’t mean he should mention people by name, but what I mean is he should call out the stumbling blocks some people act as, or call out un-forgiveness, gossip etc. But he rarely does that. Yet in every sermon now he talks about tithes and offerings. It’s like he’s obsessed about it, even though tithes and offerings are in the Old Testament. In one sermon he said with a snicker and a smile, “If God has your heart, you’ll put money in the plate. Period.” How arrogant if you ask me. Some others felt the same way. The pastor should have also said, “If God has your heart you won’t gossip. If God has your heart you won’t be a stumbling block to others. If God has your heart you won’t live a double life. If God has your heart you will forgive your trespassers.” Yet, of course, he didn’t say any of those things.
Now I have some friends in the church. But it’s little comfort compared to the un-forgiveness and marginalization that was thrown against me. Four handfuls of dislikers may not sound like much and we can’t please everyone nor be their buddy. Yet still, those dislikes are quite concentrated. The pastor no doubt heard of this but didn’t want to bring me and the offended parties into his office to mediate a solution. Nope.
I just pray for the church now. I still watch some of their online sermons but I feel it drifting from me and feel myself getting bitter. It’s like these are my conditions: “Your concerns on the church formats and how you are being unjustly treated are simply as is. If you don’t accept that and accept the terms before you, as they are, then feel free to go someplace else.” Sorry, but those “terms” give me nothing to work with and will only increase my bitterness when nothing is resolved. How can anyone not get bitter. This is a Church for God’s sake – not a Worldly country club. Let me be perfectly clear: I don’t like my outcomes, I don’t like my circumstances and I don’t like my options. They give me nothing to work with.
So in summary, I am feeling discouragement and bitterness creeping in. I have prayed for two years over all of this and God has not answered my prayers in variable matters. Nothing has changed. I am still sticking it out with the church though. But for the life of me, I could not understand why. There is nothing overly positive there for me. I thought maybe there was, but sadly found out there isn’t. All that seems to be there, within a 98% ratio, is continuous disappointment and heartbreak. The stress has caused my health to dwindle down.
God eventually told me that I am there to pray for the church and its ministry team because that church is in trouble. It has lost roughly 70% of its membership over the past 20 years since the new pastor took over. Wealthy tithe payers keep that church afloat from what I’m told. God said nothing else except just to pray for the church and its people. For now, that is all.
Church has to feed people. Fact. If it is not feeding its people and we are expected to feed ourselves, then of what use is the church? It is of no use. None. It is redundant by that point. It’s like going to a hospital and the staff say that you have to operate on and recover yourself. Then of what use is the hospital?
I’m getting discouraged to the point where I am no longer interested in attending the church’s social gatherings nor am I interested in getting involved in the group’s and any other activities in that place. It has a two class system of church members and church non members. That’s not Scriptural. Sorry. The Bible says that ALL (born again followers of Christ) are members of one body. Nowhere does the Bible talk of a two class party systems of members vs non members. That’s why I decided not to be a member.
It might be a nice church for others to be blessed in and I have seen people be blessed there. Yet I feel that of the options and circumstances that are before me, it brings somewhat more of a curse than a blessing. We’re supposed to feel better when we leave a sermon – not the same or worse than we were before going in. Sure, no church is perfect, but this is ridiculous.
I’m in a church currently where the Pastor teaches very beep theological sermons. It a great learning environment, and it realy matured me as a Christian, but I’ve been burdened by a few things. The church has nothing for me to do, but ground keeping. There isn’t any kids to teach, and the pastor dosnt give me any opportunity to use my gifts, nor do I know of anything to use them on. There is no outreach, and I’ve brought it up time and time again, but all I get is told witness in your day to day life by how you act. This church is happy huddling together, and there excuse for outreach is we have a church sign in the yard. I’m sick of sitting in a pew, but there is nothing for me to do. I brought it up in many meetings. The pastor ignores me completely, and goes around me when I bring these convictions up. I brought up outreach and he planned something himself, and got people for it, and completely left me out. I was the one that cared about outreach, and I’m left out. Right now I’m doing ground keeping, pest control, and sitting in a pew. I made a list of local churches, and I’m most likely going to have to leave. I desire to be used by God, and I have a burning for the lost, but I have no opportunities at this church. They don’t care.
Im going through the same problem brother. I try to keep/stay active in the church though I had moved 30 miles away now. It hurts me to be past up on the jobs work, all I can say is pray if God wants us elsewhere he will move us to where he needs us to be, God bless you my friend.
Nice article but I was disappointed to find no bible verses to support this ideas. My reason for wanting to leave my church is because the Bible is not being faithfully taught. Which this article does not even address. I think that should be on the top of reasons to leave a church.
Perfectly describes the mega church we had attended for 16 years. Pastor Jack Hibbs knew me and my husband but when my husband died, I never heard a word from them. No call, no well check, no card. He used to teach Jesus Christ. Then Covid-19 hit and suddenly he went anti-govt, anti masks, stopped Bible teaching, brought in unsaved big media names, and got a face lift. lol. Now he’s working on getting into the popular culture circles and has left most of the teaching duties to a newly hired, no energy, green pastor while he’s galavanting around the political circles. Search Calvary Chapel Chino Hills Jack Hibbs. All those years, never knew if we had a board of directors, there are no longer any communityout reaches, no men’s fellowship, no more missions. It’s died.
Lucy, that is exactly the reason why I (we) am most likely going to leave my church, because no matter how much I’ve talked to the Pastor about how important it is that church behaves like family, they act as though they don’t know what I’m talking about. I actually started feeling a void a while back and then not long ago, thru various things that happened, I realized why… that to the Pastor & his wife church family didn’t really mean family… that it was just a label given by scripture. I began seeing hints of this in a number of different ways, but then when the Pastor’s wife recently said in conversation that in the last 8 yrs they had been pastoring at the church they have only had maybe 4 people over to their house to join them for supper. I was blindsided. I had even set up meetings with the pastor to talk about ways to teach our small congregation how to be family to one another… but to them, there is a big difference between what they call “church people” and family.
After being in a Church for over 27 years, I noticed several points that required immediate resolve. I verbally expressed the issues, nothing happened, I wrote a letter outlining the issues, nothing happened, I tried to follow scripture by bringing along 2 others as Brothers to resolve the issues, nothing happened. I was forced to pursue a solution by bringing the Church in front of the HUMAN RIGHTS TRIBUNAL, the case is currently pending to be heard. A Minister made some awful comments during a sermon insulting persons with disabilities. An elder ignored his handling of other issues. Nothing has been done to bring these issues out and solve them in a Godly manner. I was told to leave the Church, my membership was revoked, all other Ministers and Church leaders have been forbidden to have ANY contact with me. Not a single one has even sent me an e-mail in support, many I considered FRIENDS. The only thing that has kept me strong is my Faith and my belief in the WORD of GOD. Not a faith passed down by MAN, distorted to meet their aspirations, but the simple WORDS of our LORD. Plain and simple, after all the Bible they say, was written so a child could understand it. This has taught me a valuable lesson that a lot of so called Churches are CULTS in hiding and one must be careful. In this case I have seen many, many, indiscretions over my years in the Church, I was once in the leadership, but I stepped down because even back then there were so many problems I simply could not take all the fighting as I tried to resolve the issues. One must read the Bible for themselves, you either believe the Word or you do not, the choice being your own. Sometimes you have to take a leap of faith in your beliefs, but we do that in a lot of things. Do not fall into following MAN or a charismatic Church Leader/Pastor/Minister, it can be very dangerous and before you can understand what is going on YOU are following MAN and not GOD.
What if you get a repeated thought that you were meant for a past season. You see I left my church a few years ago and came back to it 2 years later. Since then with my mostly negative experiences, seeing how numbers of church goers are more cultural than Christian and how the church acts more like a country club with man made time constraints on prayer groups, flag days which aren’t Scriptural and a pastor who is selective in who he Associates with.
I know the Scripture that speaks of seasons. So this is why I ask if there is another Scripture that says not to be with a church if you were meant for a past season? I keep asking God about it and if He wants me to leave the church I’m in because a majority of me wants to leave it, due to a majority of negative experiences that happened to me since I came back. He goes silent.
Some Christians say to develop a thicker skin but I won’t break bread with any church who has people cause conflicts against you, who don’t repent of those offenses and to add insult to injury they don’t get brought before the church for the unrepentant offence/s to be censured. I won’t attend any church if a conflict against me won’t get resolved and I am asked to just accept it. No. I won’t accept it. I won’t accept unresolved injustices that have been unjustly placed against me. Sorry.
Sure, I know we all have negative experiences at the church in some form or another, but what happened to me was beyond ridiculous and simply discouraging. And the Pastor isn’t doing anything about it because he’s not really into confrontations and wants everybody in the church to like him – an act of folly if I ever saw one. That dude is in the wrong business.
And it’s like since my return, I realized two months in that coming back here may have been a big mistake. It was. Apparently. I have been getting repeated thoughts of “being only meant for a past season or seasons of that church and that I wasn’t supposed to come back to this specific place”. I get that thought through repetition. Yet I found no other church, so I’m stuck there. That’s when I said to the Lord to use me there if that’s what He has planned for me, but I’m not looking forward to going back to that church once their doors re-open up. I can’t think of anyone who would look forward to going back to a place where they are misunderstood, wrongly mis-labeled and then wrongfully marginalized by several groups of church people because of it. Almost week after week. Nobody would look forward to going back to an environment like that. Nobody.
What about when there aren’t evening services being offered when they once were and when you are unjustly marginalized by handfuls of people who don’t even know you due to silly misunderstandings that don’t get resolved – especially after a year or two?
We’re not talking being marked aka marginalized as “bad association” by 1 or 2 people here who, like I said, don’t know me. We’re talking 4 to 5 handfuls of people here. And to go week after week to deal with the glares and evil eye’s yet those groups won’t face me to discuss and resolve the manner yet the Pastor does nothing is more than enough to discourage someone from attending. The Bible says that we shouldn’t be stumbling blocks. And I know that if I try to approach the said parties on the matter they’ll either deny it or get more upset and then more avoidant than before. I won’t attend any church where something like this carries on as is without any resolution. I would rather watch sermons online. You don’t get hurt by the congregants and God doesn’t exist inside a building only.
As for evening services, the church did have it but only for 10 months out of the year, while morning services were held year round without incident. Not all of us are on Day Shift. Sorry. And when I tried to voice my concerns about it, those concerns, apparently, fell on deaf ears. So then I said, “OK, so it’s obvious that the Morning Attendees get more priority and preferential treatment here. I have expressed my concerns, several times and apparently they have fallen on deaf ears. So here’s how this is going to play out: No evening services, no ME. Not all of us do mornings anymore. I used to and my body quit after years of doing it. So I can only attend evenings and will re-attend when the Sunday evening sermons get re-activated. In the mean time I’ll just watch the sermons online.” Nobody really said much to that…
What about when there aren’t evening services being offered when they once were and when you are unjustly marginalized by handfuls of people who don’t even know you due to silly misunderstandings that don’t get resolved – especially after a year or two?
We’re not talking being marked aka marginalized as “bad association” by 1 or 2 people here who, like I said, don’t know me. We’re talking 4 to 5 handfuls of people here. And to go week after week to deal with the glares and evil eye’s yet those groups won’t face me to discuss and resolve the manner yet the Pastor does nothing is more than enough to discourage someone from attending. The Bible says that we shouldn’t be stumbling blocks. And I know that if I try to approach the said parties on the matter they’ll either deny it or get more upset and then more avoidant than before. I won’t attend any church where something like this carries on as is without any resolution. I would rather watch sermons online. You don’t get hurt by the congregants and God doesn’t exist inside a building only.
As for evening services, the church did have it but only for 10 months out of the year, while morning services were held year round without incident. Not all of us are on Day Shift. Sorry. And when I tried to voice my concerns about it, those concerns, apparently, fell on deaf ears. So then I said, “OK, so it’s obvious that the Morning Attendees get more priority and preferential treatment here. I have expressed my concerns, several times and apparently they have fallen on deaf ears. So here’s how this is going to play out: No evening services, no ME. Not all of us do mornings anymore. I used to and my body quit after years of doing it. So I can only evenings and will do so when evening sermons get re-activated. In the mean time I’ll just watch the sermons online.” Nobody really said much to that.
brownesheryl10@gmail.com
Awesome love all.what has been said above ,my name is sheryl some religions think we are not Christian’s I am a latter day saint (some people know us as mormons )we are not a cult we are like all good Christians trying to be better people ,trying to be more like Jeusus christ ,Everythinhg above is so correct if you dont feel the love not just for you but for every one it is sad ,we are not perfect but I was able to tick all. Comments about having all these good things in our church ,I hadnt planned to leave my faith and hope and pray I stay strong in my faith ,CHURCH IS NOT A HOTEL FOR SAINTS BUT A HOSPITAL FIR SINNERS ,I love what my faith stands for believes knows standards faith all of if it ,I petsonaly believe all churches are built for goodness to serve God by serving others but some times it the people in those churches do wrong ,no one perfect ,and I’m glad not ready to return home to my heavely father yet not done enough good in this world yet ,and want more time with family friends .To all my brothers and sisters out there I love you all might not love all things we do ,but I tying to love my neibour as christ teaches us .a perfect way to find truths is to ask God !!!search ponder and pray ,my favorite scripture is James chapter one verse 1to6 .why my favorite because simply I asked one day about my faith if it true and where he wanted me to be and brothers and sisters I received my answer in a way no man could give me ,so My faith is where I stay I love you all love my saviour Jesus christ and my heavenly father and holy ghost .also remember no one is perfect that’s why we here to grow and learn to be christ like ♥️♥️♥️in the name of Jesus christ Amen
I have been part of my church and served there faithfully for 11 years but unfortunately it has evolved into a very legalistic system where there is more focus on conformity rather than transformation and it’s all about the “religious” look and behaviour. The minister is often placed on a pedestal such that he should not be questioned about anything one is unsure of especially in the presence of another.
These are unspoken rules and you only know they exist when you cross the line. Afterwards, such a person is either shunned by the members of the church because they think you were rude for asking those questions and often times shamed publicly or pushed away. I have experienced this in the course of seeking clarification on some of the culture and even doctrines I did not fully understand or thought they were in line with scriptures.
These people rather than correcting others in love, they turn on fellow brethren in the name of “defending the pastor”.
Such people are subsequently commended by the minister for their loyalty and rewarded with either higher positions or teaching opportunities.
There is a lot of strife, gossip, secrecy and no genuine love amongst brethren unlike when the church first started. I feel the constant unrest in my spirit and I’ve been praying a lot about leaving and divine direction from God.
Unfortunately, my husband doesn’t share the same view because he and the minister have been really good friends before the ministry started and says there is no perfect church. We even left our previous church to support him when the ministry started, that’s how much we loved the ministry! My husband feels loyal to the minister.
I feel stuck in this system and grossly unhappy especially as I do not wish for my family(children) to be split over where we go to church and serve the Lord or even learn some of these behaviours. This has been going on for some years now but I have remained because of the love I have for my family and I don’t want anything to divide us.
Any advice on this would be greatly appreciated.
You are in a very hard place, you may have to wait for the Lord to clear up any indiscretion.
WE have been at our church home for almost 6 years. We have been in SS, as well as other services that our church has. From Bible studies to small groups, to changing SS classes, to many different things. We have never been ask to come to anyones home for a bible study they have, its not announced, you hear it thru the hallways. If we were there for “People, we would of left the first month. We feel like God is telling us to pick up our tent and move forward. We feel as the praise and worship music should coincide with the sermon. We have been feeling this feeling of moving for about 2 years, and we just want to make sure its God telling us, and not our flesh saying go go go. It would be nice to be accepted and included.
I just clicked on the link for 4 of the Worst Reasons to Leave Your Church. This block quote says it all for me. “Sometimes the greatest things in life are on the other side of difficulty. Maybe, just maybe, if you stick it out you will find it was well worth it.” We mustn’t leave just before the miracle happens. God is in control.
The church I attend has been in existence for over 100 years. It’s the church I chose when I returned as a prodigal and I’ve been attending for 20+ years. We went through a church split a few years ago and a gentleman and I discussed some of the really horrible reasons people were leaving. He told me it wasn’t the first time we’d experienced a split. We’ve survived so much; I won’t even go into it. But I’ve never sensed God telling me I should leave. I think I’ve become stronger because I stayed.
This post reminds me to be gracious to those who choose to leave. Sometimes their reasons indicate they are immature Christians and don’t know how to go the distance. I realize that’s not the case with everyone, but I’ve seen it happen. I belong to The Head, the Bridegroom. If that’s true, I consider this a marriage and that’s something that might be rocky, but it’s up to me to work on problems and not dodge them. One reason I have always believed is a good reason for leaving is if the Bible teaching is “false teaching.” However, one will only know this if he or she is more mature, feeding themselves with the Word and engaged with a small group of people who are more mature and can thoroughly explain God’s Word
While I’m at it, thanks for recently following my blog, The Fruitful Life. I look forward to reading more of your posts.
I remember the first time I went to a Christian church 37 years ago, and I stayed for 31 years. The first few years there if someone left I immediately figured they were backslidden and rebellious. As the years went by I changed my mind. I saw clearly how verbally abusive the pastor could be, when he started doing it to me. I hadn’t noticed when it happened to others. The ones that left that I knew best were some of the kindest, most sincere Christians I’d met. Most were mature, or maturing, Christians that had stayed as long as they could. But when they left, usually quietly, I was quick to label them, just like everyone else was doing. AND because of insinuations spoken from the pulpit. It never looks good when someone leaves, even if they have a legitimate reason, so the pastor is quick to make sure everyone knows it’s wasn’t his (the pastors) fault. Mind you, the ones that left are not there to defend themselves, and often leave rather than do any harm to the church they left behind. They’d rather go quietly without involving others, or gossiping. Please don’t think Christians (most of us) leave happily. Often it’s a hard decision. I loved that church like family, and struggled for months until God said a final GO. I knew I couldn’t stay with the abuse any longer. God sent me a message to “wipe the dust off” my feet and leave. I would have loved to discuss it with the pastor first but I knew from experience it would be a fruitless endeavor since no one I knew had a positive experience meeting with leadership. Usually it made things worse, and nothing ever changed. God has boundaries and we are made in His image. If you’ve stayed no matter what I’m glad that worked for you, but I wonder if you were abused in the harsh manner that some people have been. I’d remove my own children from an abusive environment in a heartbeat. Why would God do any less than that? ( I am not and have never been a “high-maintenance “ church member) I don’t care about petty things and I don’t have itching ears, I love truth and hate deception. But the level of verbal abuse was getting worse, often done in a way where it wasn’t noticeable to everyone else, except those getting the same treatment. The benefit of the doubt automatically goes to the pastor, because he’s put on a pedestal. That doesn’t make a believer “immature”, because it takes courage to leave a place you’ve been for decades. Sometimes it’s easier to stay… and if not easier, less controversial once word gets around, because once the whole church knows you’ll be misjudged, simply because you obeyed Gods word and didn’t gossip about what was done to you for all those years. Few knew, or noticed, because it didn’t happen to them. And as long as it doesn’t happen to them, it’s easy to pretend it must not be happening to anyone else, or it can’t be that bad, or they’re just being “too sensitive”.
I agree with Paula if your being abused verbally, spiritually or emotionally you should move on . She is the only one that used scripture Wipe the dust off from your feet Mark 6:10-11 Jesus said If they don’t receive you or listen shake the dust off of your shoes(sandals ) is a strong testimony a rebuke saying I will not be subjected to this behavior any longer it’s shameful! I’m proud of Paula stepping forward and exposing this unfruitful work of darkness Ephesians 5:11 There is no harmony between Christ and the devil ! We are called to love and love without respect is wicked ! Jesus said Love the Lord your God with all your heart , with all your soul , with all your mind and with all your strength Mark 12:30 Love covers a multitude of sins 1 Peter 4:8 If we would just follow our Lord Jesus Christ’s footsteps we could change our world!
My husband and I are going through the heartbreak of leaving a church and I feel all of the points you made were spot on
A lot of comments….you touched a nerve.
They are too partisan/political.
I would rather leave than be fake. For me , authenticity is important. If I can’t stand with the direction it is going, then I must leave and leave quietly.
My job is to come into churches that have ended up with the types of problems you describe and bring healing – these types of churches are more prevalent than many would think and they are very damaging to those who attend. All though it would be nice to see people stay, often those who stay in an unhealthy church become so jaded that they become the new problem. There are church hoppers that are looking for the church that best serves them without them serving the church but I believe that they are not the majority any more. The toughest thing to see is a church that needs healing but there is not much left to heal. I find it very difficult when I talk to those who have previously left a church that I am working with and I am forced to admit I would have left for the same reasons.
What makes it even more difficult is when the oversight given by the denomination consists mainly of former pastors. Their take on the troubles in a church tends to lean toward the pastor’s take on the church (they have all had difficult people and situations so they assume that the pastor’s take is correct) leading to them to often blame the people who are discontent and leaving and rarely looking at the pastor or leadership as the problem. I get it – pastors can empathize with other pastors more easily than with the regular attendees but dysfunction rarely comes from the congregation as a whole they’re just not that organized! It often comes from individuals and cultures that are not addressed or pastors and leaders who do not fully understand servant leadership.
Just my ramblings on your great post – thanks for addressing this from a balanced approach.
I am a big believer in staying. I belong to a small community church, where My actions are noticed, Perhaps, that is my greatest gift just to show up.
We all have gifts that God has given us, but at times you have to do what is needed. How can God grow us up in maturity to use our gifts and passion, when we Don’t take part in the small and unseen places of need . Go sit in the nursery and hold a baby, make the coffee, stack the chairs. Be available. Don’t say no so often and let God worry about your teases.
Please don’t take your discouragement to another church. Don’t bring your feelings of disappointment. Honor your commitment to
The church you once loved and stand even
When you feel nothing.
People leave, because they are afraid of the dying. Churches fail, because we fail to put our expectation in God. We should be on our knees praying. How can God breathe new life into any church if no one stays. They have left before The glorry of God was revealed. They missed it. Oh they sure did miss it.
(. I agree with all the points that Curtis has written. These point to a very unhealthy church. I also believe that God can be specifically leading someone to another church.
However, I think that families should take time on the front end to find a church that feels like home. Meet the pastor, talk to the elders, attend a small group and pray for wisdom before joining a church. Church hopping hurts everyone)
I guess a further question is, how do you know when you have stayed too long? We have asked that question many times in the last 5 years. You wait and wait and try and try but to no avail; no one is listening. But we hang in there, hoping things will change. It’s hard to stay when one is unhappy and not become toxic to the others who blissfully go their way, not knowing or caring there is so much more to following Jesus than skinny jeans and the latest sound system and bunko night. Not spreading dissension while trying to foment change is a very delicate balancing act. I guess one clue that one has stayed to long is when you avoid the pastor at all costs when attending a church function….
I think you are right, when to leave is a great question. You don’t want to leave over some small mistake or change. But you don’t want to stay at a church that continually is not doing what you feel is right.
Great post Jeffery and you have raised some really good points.
The wife and I recently left a bible study group and church location for another location of the same church. We found that after a year of attempting to build strong community and putting ourselves out there, that no one really wanted to go deeper.
Unfortunately there are people within the body of Christ who have no interest (or their lives are just way to busy) in discipleship or intentionally being part of a growth promoting community. They will be present once or twice a week and that’s it. If you are a person who wants more than being a seat warmer and wants to build relationships, then sticking around a congregation or people that wants the opposite is not a good idea. Of course you need to do all that you can to encourage others and help them see the importance, but if all that fails then leave I say.
Thanks again for your post
I see that often, people are too busy. I think another contributing factor is intentional relationships are becoming increasingly rare. And I suspect a lot of people don’t really know how to engage in them anymore. I think a lot of people might want those relationships, but don’t know how (or are scared) to be in one.
A lot of people left our church some time ago because of change of leadership. But these days, i hear people say they don’t want to be in church anymore because all they talk about is raising money.
Leadership is a huge cause. Sadly I have heard many churches were all they talk about is money and why you should give and why they need it. That’s backwards. Churches should focus on challenging and encouraging people and giving will follow.
You are very correct sir. churches should focus on challenging and encouraging and giving will follow. Churches that are always talking about money give people that are not in the church reasons to rubbish the name of God.
That’s what happened to the church I attend. A new leader came in 20 years ago and since then has lost 70% of his congregation. Yet he just doesn’t seem to get it that maybe he is the problem and that the problem is not so much with the people who left. I hate how many churches do that. They always blame the people who leave and thinking that it is them who have the problem? Really. Maybe in some circumstances but not all.
Churches need to say to themselves, “Maybe the problem isn’t with so & so who left. Maybe the problem is with us.” It boils down to many churches being lazy and not wanting to go through the extra work at fixing problems. It’s easier to cover something up in a hush hush manner than to grow a backbone and do some church format overhauls. A cover up is a cover up. For years I prayed for the Pastor to discern. He hasn’t. He pretty much does the same format year after year with the odd tweaking. He doesn’t seem to comprehend that he has lost 70% of his congregation over the past two decades.
Yet ironically I still attend, despite being unjustly marked by groups who people for something I said which was misconstrued – yet they don’t know me, they don’t want to take the time to know me but feel so entitled to unjustly mislabel me. That’s a form a hatred and a form of murder. Does the Pastor rebuke the congregation or put them on the spot on this or anything else? Nope. Never heard him do that. It’s all happy touchy feel good sermons with no offending messages. Oh but he’ll talk about how important it is to tithe though. He’ll talk in detail of how import it is to give money in offerings. But to rebuke gossip and other things over the pulpit? Nope.
Yet I still attend and put up with the side abuse from some of the members. Well, to me it’s abuse and it has hardened me. So now I come in there, I don’t talk to anyone and then I leave after the sermons is over.
Its the cliques in most of our small town churches.. it you not in a certain age bracket or kin to half the congregation you don’t matter!!
good stuff
Good, balanced, and accurate assessment of a sticky issue. Well done!
Great insight around an important question. I think you have covered, very well, the most relevant ones.
I have left churches before. I have moved around a lot over the years and that has caused most of it. I have left others, mainly as a result in change in church leadership and it no longer being a good fit. No right or wrong issues.
Be blessed and thanks again for tackling this. God is with you!
I think a lot of people feel stuck in their church. Which we shouldn’t abandon our church over just anything. But as you have experienced sometimes churches change (not good or bad, just is) and it’s no longer a good fit.