Confessions of a Pastor

During my junior year of high school, it came time to start looking at colleges to attend. Which meant that I had to decide what career path I wanted to take. Why we trust 16 – 18 year-olds to make such a huge life decision with little support is beyond me. When it came time for me to decide there were many things that interested me, but really only one that seemed like something I could see myself doing long term. I wanted to be a pastor.
I know, how many teens actually want to do that? But I did. I never had a call into ministry; it was just the only thing I could picture myself doing. Here I am over a decade later, and I’m a pastor. And I still can’t imagine doing anything else with my life.
While I love what I do, there are difficulties (as in any job). One that I’ve had to fight against the most is the pressure to have it all together or appear as if you do. I’m the last person that should be struggling and asking these questions, right? I should just know the answers and have it all together. Now I know that’s not true, but that’s what the expectation seems like sometimes.
Over the years and through a few hard lessons, I’ve learned that a pastor doesn’t need the answers. They need a genuine faith, even if that means it’s struggling, has doubts, and doesn’t know all the answers.
So here’s my confession. I’m a pastor and I…
I Have Doubts About My Faith
At one point everything in life made sense and seemed so much simpler. Those days have come and gone for me. I find the more I learn and grow in my faith the more room there is for doubt to creep in. There are a lot of things I just don’t have answers for and a lot of things I struggle to believe are true. I suspect everyone has doubts; it’s just not acceptable to bring them up in church.
I know my experience isn’t unique; many people have experienced doubt in their life. But it can get murky when I’m supposed to be the person that stands up and tells people how to grow their faith. That’s a difficult balance to find, what do I share and what do I not. But I’ve found the more I share, the more I’m genuine, the more of what I say is useful to others.
I learned that a pastor doesn’t need the answers; they need a genuine faith, even if that means it’s struggling. A genuine struggle to follow God is much better than pretending to have it all together. Read more here: Faith and Doubt (and how they coexist)
I Don’t Like A Lot of Christians
Hear me on this… I LOVE my church.
But, there’s so many times I get frustrated with how so many Christians act. There’s been so much hurt that has been caused by Christians, the last people that should hurt anyone. Many well intended Christians have in the name of Jesus pushed people away from him. And that gets me so mad.
I’ve largely stopped reading Facebook posts because I just get so upset about what Christians say. The way they portray the Gospel. The way they talk about people, specifically people they are against. The way they support their political ideology. All of it. It just frustrates me so much. In my anger I’ve written several articles that will probably never see the light of day.
It’s easy for me to justify why it’s righteous anger. And sometimes it probably is. The challenge is to use that anger constructively and not to drive a wedge between me and my fellow Christians. The easy thing to do is to go on a rant; the more difficult thing is to build a bridge.
I’m a Hypocrite
I’m a hypocrite in the worst way. I can get up and preach one thing on Sunday and do the exact opposite on Monday. I’ve given people advice that I don’t even practice, at my worst things I don’t believe. I’m trying to get better. I try to preach my messages to myself before anyone else. But I don’t always get it right.
I’m Prideful
Pride is a funny thing. I see it working in two extremes in my life. On one hand it gives me a big head, it makes me think I’m all that. But since I’m such a messed up person I can’t live up to that perception for very long. Eventually something will happen where I fail and in that moment my pride does the opposite, it beats up me.
I’ve had to learn that being humble is not thinking less of myself, but thinking of myself less. (I’m sure someone smarter than me said that, but I can’t remember who) Being humble is having an accurate assessment of myself. In other words it’s knowing what I’m good at and where I fall short. I struggle to find that balance.
What You Can Do
My guess is most of you reading this are not a pastor. This leaves you in this awkward place because there’s no real application other than insight. So I thought I’d throw out a few thoughts of what you can do to help.
Let me first say two things. 1) These are my issues, but they aren’t universal for pastors. Your pastor has their own. 2) You aren’t responsible, but you can help.
Take Pastors off the Pedestal
Whether you put them there or they put themselves there, take them down. The fall is only going to hurt. Unfortunately, we see this happening at an increasing frequency. Pastor after pastor fails and the fall hurts. It hurts the pastor, their family, and the church. It’s best for everyone if we don’t view pastors as above or better than anyone else. We aren’t. It’s best if you don’t believe everything a pastor says, see for yourself. We don’t have all the answers. It’s best if you don’t blindly follow your pastor. Follow them, but with your eyes open.
Pastors aren’t better Christians or have some private line to God. They are just normal people. People struggling to follow and understand Jesus. They have a responsibility to lead the church, or an area of the church, but they are still on equal ground with those in their church.
Allow Your Pastor to be Real
Pastors will make mistakes. They will have bad days. People will be hurt by their words. They will forget things, sometimes important things. They will do the wrong thing. In other words they are just like anybody.
The beauty of the church is that together we can help each other get better. When one person is struggling the rest of the church can help them get past their struggles. Don’t forget your pastor, they need that too. It doesn’t happen in every church, however in many it’s the pastor that’s ensuring care for everyone else, but no one is caring for them.
Allow your pastor to make mistakes and help in their sin. Let them share what they are struggling with and don’t be surprised when you see what’s really going on.
Pray for Them
Finally, pray for them. I’ll keep this short; I think we know what this means. So pray for wisdom, humility, their family, and their faith. Pray that they feel free to be open, admit their struggles, and ask for help.
For more on how to pray for your pastor check out: Eleven Specific Ways to Pray for Your Pastor (via Thom Rainer)
Let’s hear from you, what are your thoughts?
I fear leadership and place of authority which is like this for some pastors. They don’t know when it’s time to let go or to acknowledge that sometimes it’s their doing in some cases of losing members.They are so in the flesh that spirituality is secondary. They’re not perfect, yesw , but sometimes they act so immature. They need correction sometimes advise and direction but they don’t see as such. This is what troubles me about leadership and authority. I am afraid to be that way. Yet I want to lead but fear the spiritual abuse and authority that attaches itself to it.
Very honest and keep up the good you are doing. I have not met a pastor or been to a church that does not have issues because we are humans and all people have faults and shortcomings.If one realizes this you can get pass the people and look through the church, over the faults for what you came for was to be fed and it was still all good to consume. I will start praying for the pastors also.
I think that’s both the beauty and cause of all our problems in the church. It’s messy. And it’s messy because they let people like me in. That makes things difficult, but it’s also the beauty of the Gospel that all are welcome. Thanks Mike!
I approach everything with caution, especially church related matters. I hold no pastor in high esteem because of what I’ve been through as a child. It’s the very pastors who took advantage of me and sexually abused me while growing up. God has made me see man just as he is and it fascinated me how everyone around me worshipped the ground they walked on. I’m considered “gay” today but I know who I really am in Christ. This is my sin, and I’ve experienced hurtful rejection by the church all my life because of this. I know now that man’s opinion means nothing to me, especially men of the cloth. What God thinks of me is all that matters. God knows I hate my life more than anything in this world. I did not choose Gehenna willingly. And like the thief on the cross, all I ask of Jesus, is that he remembers me too. Thank you for all the inspiring articles you write. I share them with those I love. God bless you in all you do for Him.
Thank you for sharing part of your story! I’m so sorry for what you’ve experienced and been through. It makes me so sad (and angry) when pastors abuse the position they hold. And it concerns me how some hold pastors in such high esteem that they can do no wrong, allowing some to get away with egregious sin and setting many more up for failure.
Again, I’m sorry you’ve experienced rejection by the church. That’s the one place you should be able to go in your brokenness to find hope and healing. I know often that’s not the case when people have stories like yours. But that’s what Jesus intended his church to be like, a hospital for sinners and not a sanctuary for saints.
I always feel privileged when people share their story with me. If you are would be willing to share more of your experience in church I would love to hear it. If not, no pressure, I totally understand if you don’t feel comfortable doing that. You can email me at jeff@rethinknow.org
Thank you for commenting, reading, and sharing. I greatly appreciate it!
God blessed you with an honest heart…i love it! I will remember you in my prayers…and yes, you were called.. it just didn’t sound like anyone elses story ..but you were definitely called .
Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts! I really appreciate the prayers!